Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
