nut hugger
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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