fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
