just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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