yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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