Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
