By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
