I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
