So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
