he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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