billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
