I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
