Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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