Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude i'm inner monologue high
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
