I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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