My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
