and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
