I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
