so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
