3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Acid is not a monday night drug
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
