Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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