he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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