I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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