He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
