Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
