his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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