I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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