my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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