Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can't trust your balls anymore.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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