Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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