I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
