Yo dont text me then not text me
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
