shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
