I can't breathe out the right side of my face
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
