I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
