Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
there is glitter all over my balls
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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