Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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