his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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