Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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