life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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