She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize