I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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