i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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