Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize