Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
