just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
