hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
