So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think I sprained my soul last night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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