Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
