Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
