nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
