Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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