I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
