Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
