Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
