Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
