It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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