there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
